Step 1: Eat (and drink!) healthy. In the throes of grief, you’ll want to drown out that sadness with as much bourbon and fried food as you can. Sure, every once in awhile you should indulge to keep your sanity, but if you let that build up you’ll soon find yourself in a dark bar on a Sunday afternoon downing shots with a cute bartender who gives you attention. And, it should be noted, works for tips. Causality. You’ll begin waking up with an odd pit of regret in your stomach, wondering why glancing at your phone gives you heart palpitations. Until you remember the 12:30am text you sent asking if she wasn’t responding to your wall of texts because she blocked you. Bad! Avoid that shame and guilt with a delicious caesar salad and a nice bowl of soup with a glass of water. If you want to get even fancier, try a grapefruit Spindrift for some delightful bubbles on your tongue. Suddenly that midriff that was expanding will start to shrink, your face won’t be as puffy, and you may meet a girl who’s more interested in your sparkling personality than the stack of money in your wallet.
Step 2: Get a good night’s sleep. Sleeping when you’re wildly depressed is tough! That’s why God invented melatonin (or drug companies did). Throw down one of those, maybe chase it with some nyquil, and you’ll drift off to sleep in no time. If you’re anti-medicated induced sleeping, try a bit of meditation before bed, turn off those screens thirty minutes before you start winding down, and drift off to sleep with a good book. Downing three glasses of wine at 9pm will work, sure, but that’s not quality sleep and that night-night juice will certainly have you thinking about your ex as you drift off, opening the door for the aforementioned 12:30am text.
Step 3: Exercise. Your ex is parading her glow-up all over Insta and you’re mainlining cheeseburgers and beer every night, might be time to move a bit. It could be a trip to the gym, a walk around the block, a peloton ride (if you’re a rich bitch showoff) but just get outside. Yes, that couch is super comfortable. And yes, the third season of Love is Blind just dropped on Netflix, but it’ll still be there when you get back! Rolling through romcoms to have a good cry can certainly be cathartic. Who doesn’t love Forgetting Sarah Marshall? But only in moderation. Too many romcoms may lead you to believe in love, hope, optimism and all that bullshit. Better to steer clear and embrace the new cynical, hardened you!
Step 4: Keep a journal to jot down how depressed and debilitating life has become. Then burn it so you can forget the past, kill it if you have to. Grab some marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers for smores over that fire! But only have one (see step 1).